Poet13's Blog

Nowadays is not all days even though things never change
what will be rises unbidden.

Counting breaths in order to know the last one’s number
hard arms holding on to what’s at hand.

Imaginary arguments with those near and dear
they only represent our fear.

The planets wobble in their orbits and we all quake
as above so it goes same as it ever was.

So what’s new not even you
breathe relieved as the parade passes by.

The crowd marches on
leaving horseshit under your heels.

Confetti in your hair
we all got a little dirty in this place.

Linked we are inextricably tied to one another
you’re the driver or maybe a lost child in the backseat.

Desperate measures call for bigger brains
the strategies we employed to survive
slipped reason’s harness ensnared us in warcraft.

Being together the family feuds
we kill and we love helpless in both acts.

We pay a price for the warmth we take
unable to evolve beyond our needs
we think we need better methods.

My mother was a little bit crazy so I am too
Don’t get me wrong I’m not blaming anyone

Soft wide eyed absolutely aware completely helpless
You just lie there take it in you have no choice

Scar tissue and a hardened heart form a rigid foundation
Calcified strata upon which we erect coping mechanisms

Intricate formidable machines we spend a lifetime building
Once up and running they do their job all too well

We cannot turn them off we cannot hear our own voices above the roar
Like giant bellowing earthmoving equipment whose engines never stop

We use them to dig our own graves
I learned to drive mine from the cradle

It’s a short hop from it’s not you it’s me
to I think we should see other people
I need more space
space which you do not occupy

please don’t be offended
again it’s not you it’s me
I’m… I don’t know… it’s complicated
I’ve got stuff going on

things are a little weird right now
I need time to work things out
I just… anyway it’s not you it’s me
you’re great I don’t deserve you really

you’re better off without me
you need a chance
to find somebody who’s right for you
I’m not right for you

I’m not right for anyone
or maybe I’m right for everyone
maybe that’s the problem
that’s my nature

I guess you can’t change who you are
Right?
I’m doing you a favor really
I care about you too much to go on this way

I respect you I do
I just hope we can still be friends
trust me
it’ll be more fun this way.

this is karma this is blowback
the crescent sun rises burns the horizon
illuminating a chaos of our creation
black smoke spiraling into a legion of jinn
eager to grant unspoken wishes
The Empire of Mind manifest
reaping what we’ve sewn

the eternal bumper crop of war
seeds germinated in case-hardened hearts
planted in desert sands
how can this grow?
it seems almost effortless
the rain fell the rest just happened
unintended consequences of unguarded desire

happens seemingly at the push of a button
it’s too easy to avoid feels too good to stop
the impulse is to assert our selves
our motives must count for something
our intent lost in the disconnect
without clarity there is confusion
we make it manageable and accept the losses

Misunderstood vampire begging for a stake through the heart
trying to make nice make light of the moment spare everyone’s feelings
and still they come at you with pikes and torches.

A mob shows no mercy grows one by one via a vector direct from you
it is a plague and you are patient zero you are a viral revulsion
infected and infecting the instant you look one other dead in the eye.

You should have been true and direct
the kindness you exhibited was really your need to be liked and accepted
it seemed like a good way to avoid being burned at the stake.

I used to reassure myself directly in relation
to the number of friends I believed I had.

I thought of them as wealth
a hedge against loneliness security from solitude.

I counted my relationships as accomplishments
rewards earned for good effort put forth.

By my deeds of friendship shall they know me
such careful constructs cannot endure.

There are no control mechanisms
I wrote a script they improvised.

A wise director knows when to cede control
the play unfolds with or without him.

The epic I envisioned ends with too few characters on stage
I applaud myself for realizing the denouement before the curtain falls.

untethered commencement great bodies in motion
reversal of orbit reversal of fortune
are we not all fortune’s fools
only those who heed the calendar too intently
best look beyond the numbers
the grids that confine and present them
follow the forces beneath the physics

undercurrents of time
primal patterns traced with starlight
charting the constellations we become mystics
memory speaks to our children’s children
who recall not our names but our deeds
echoes of which are heard today
yet the confusion continues

There is a cold wind out of the Northwest
I embrace winter before it embraces me
Manufacturing plausible scenarios from less poetic reality

Abandonment of ritual
The gift of frugality
A disbelief in coincidence

I forgive your sins for they are my own
Moreover it makes me less prone to panic attacks

Keep it to yourself it’s heroic not to let on
Bear up under the mantle of protection your pose affords you
You know a strong silent death waits

But death awaits us all
And you take with you everything you’ve hidden along the way
And you are the only mystery remaining

too tense to take a deep breath too afraid to let it go
for every e-motion there is an equal and opposite re-motion
love hate nurture denial generosity cruelty indifference kindness
everything is familiar everything either or
we are what we are we are everything we are

family gatherings always make me cry
all that sadness and regret
a sentimental fool a sensitive simp
wounded hatchling broken in the box

hobble on we are all lame in one way or another we stumble and get on with it
the injured heal the infected deliver a cure we apologize and do the best we can
some mornings there is no sun in the sky no coffee in your cup
other mornings you awake in the arms of love try to kiss away the scars

Religious people are crazy they worry me make me anxious
it takes a certain kind of insanity to delete logic in favor of fairytales
myths miracles legends and laws drinking symbolic blood making sacrifice
it seems to me anything can happen any act perpetrated upon such alters
if you put your mind to it you can believe everything.

Religious people scare me they burn hot with short fuses
their ardor and their certainty quell questioning trample doubt
their joyful noise disturbs my peace I am jittery within such congregation
stubbornly resist any public pull to salvation
too cool for the room too self-conscious to be saved.

Religious people alarm me because they are delusional
they see angels in clouds saints on toast hear god whispering in the garden
they abide by rules their forefathers have written down
the words long since faded into sacred and inviolable ciphers
lifeless stones waiting to be cast.

Try to think about it scientifically try to bring physics to bear
Our physicality is our entry point into the material dimension
We perceive with our senses the flesh is a base point of apprehension

Like light sinking into a bog belching back swamp fire to ignite the horizon
It is both the instrument of and the obstacle to our transcendence
Our means of progress is the vehicle at hand which must eject us

the mind pulls forward the body grows dense
entrenched concentration lifts a heavy stone edifice
perspective shifts revealing new visions of beauty and truth

The shining utopia on a hill ringed by endless barrios
Crisscrossed by countless avenues with forgotten names
We wander through them are lost then find our way out again

Think we’ve been enlightened realize we were merely amazed
Try to turn our thoughts in another direction into the beherenow
The beginning and the end of every journey we needed a method not a map

Sometimes he longs to be the white hot center of attention
convinces himself laughter is worth something
he is somehow uplifting his fellow man.

He envisions sparkling scenarios wherein the crowd adores him
feels warmth as small muscles rearrange faces in pleasing expressions
hearts happily pumping blood to help things along.

He accepts adoration modestly and graciously as his due
he is creating memorable moments after all
someone somewhere someday may cherish one.

He holds them all within himself and yet he is somehow sad
it is a knowing sadness without tears
there may come a time when he can share them anew.

I stumble about in crepuscular decrepitude
once darkness faded there were years of relative calm
now the hour of the wolf draws near.

Ever envious of light darkness seeks dominion
at times death seems preferable to a life devoid of youth
and the dangerous pursuit of treasure.

When exhaustion defunded defenses the mask fell away
revealed truth hidden within every little ache and pain like a sniper
taking pot shots at my equilibrium until even memories hurt.

I am unable to muster an erection when called upon
the unwilling flesh parts some spirit enters
a message from a prudish god divine interdiction
nature’s way of telling me to slow down
the inference that an erection is evil.

Hard satan soft god
the simple binary logic of the faithful
the fervor of the ardent and the anxious
like the beating of an artificial heart
so much certainty in the stifled impulse.

Religious fascism is a natural enough result
upright brigades of true believers marching as to war
I’d sooner fall on my knees in a forest glade
babble in tongues at the sight of the setting sun
a heretic in a loincloth adulating in the jungle.

Banished to the welcoming wilderness
I will live under the sky and die in the tiger’s embrace
before I will worship another true god
who art in heaven and in hell
I have it within me I am a hard man after all.

I’m a bad habit my friends aren’t miracle workers
a winding road of worn-out welcomes in my wake
the façade slips the charms grow stale.

Something about me eventually repels
something I do inevitably elicits hostility.

I cannot see it in the bright light of day
only in dreams does the wolf emerge
a creature of terror and loathing.

But predators too feel fear
fangs and claws defend and protect.

The kill is necessary to sustain life
we are made to know the sweet taste of prey
we were designed for murder.

Charity and mercy run counter to our nature
forgiveness is a feat bordering on the divine.
The work of saints is seldom seen
their secret sacrifices are not in vain.

If a tear falls onto my hands and I show it to you
will you then forgive me?
And if I laugh will you break me at last?

The real miracle would be to understand each other.

We shoot people in theaters we shoot people in malls we shoot people in convenience stores we shoot children in their classrooms and preachers at their pulpits we eat red meat are overfed and under educated we demand respect when common courtesy is our due we pull no punches pull our metal manhood instead take pride in our own demand our rights that bill was paid two centuries ago we’re living large on the interest the scent of cordite is rooted in our DNA we will keep our guns and tolerate our casualties we know sacrifice is called for we offer up acceptable losses willingly a jury of our kind will acquit us we have a right to defend our pickup trucks from harm we marshal our forces a militia of manifest destiny we assert our territorial imperative and our individual rights form lynch mobs of one we fear losing more than we fear death we do not hear you defend yourself by talking the only language we speak is fightin’ words.

It’s all mental everything is what I think it is
no truly no really only my take on it
we can reach mutual agreements
as to what constitutes our common reality
but ultimately it is what I say it is.

So commonality is key to compromise
something we might try to believe in
because of other people
it’s how we get by but not where we come to
the end of your days no shared experience.

This is a single one way trip
we set our itinerary long ago
based on what we knew at the time
those of us who haven’t figured things out
try to make corrections along the way.

There may be comments but there is no judgment
I’m an objective observer I process and report
A drone could do it
Providing the programming is benign

We represent the same organization
We work in different divisions
Sometimes at cross purposes
At times pursuing different goals
Some mutually beneficial
Some mutually destructive

We must assume someone knows what we’re doing
Surely there’s a sound business plan for this
Because this is serious
It’s crucial that we get it right

The competition is fierce
The terrain is hostile
There’s no walking away
We all signed a contract
The powers that be enforce it
The rest of us just work here

Never asked for much settled for much too little
you kept your distance I kept trying to close the gap.
The fault lies with me you were who you are
I consented to the cold comfort of pretense.
We’d learned to be afraid before we ever met
could not abandon those lessons.

Love is a kind of amnesia but we could not forget
our better natures bound to the will of frightened children.
The blame and the sorrow were easy enough
good reasons to hide without seeking.
Someday I will find you with no memories
someday we will find each other anew.

I stood there in the cold in my rather too large overcoat
Ill equipped for the occasion not fitting in where I don’t belong
Kicked out of the clubhouse I built my own to spec
Best treehouse ever but I’m the only member

I throw down ropes though no one makes the climb
My perch probably looks rickety from their perspective
Maybe they can see faults in the framework
From down there things may appear unsafe

It’s fitted out for my comfort with see-through walls
Here I can easily keep my distance though my borders are porous
I’ve put down no roots my foundation is the tree I live in
The invisible guards are for my protection they mean you no harm

We’ve all made mistakes otherwise we wouldn’t be here
walking these faintly familiar streets in [n]ever changing cities.

I’m a visitor here myself but I am no stranger to these parts
let me show you a different way a shortcut to the other side.

Let’s go to the park ride the Ferris wheel rise above the treetops
the gondolas sway every which way we fall back laughing.

The places where we lodged before were borrowed but comfortable
these new smaller accommodations conform to current codes.

I’m not sure we were together for very long or really if at all
and when we parted we took only the remains of what we shared.

She always says the obvious thing
it makes her seem somehow less interesting less threatening
it makes her predictable
nothing undermines the intrigue of romance like predictability
ultimately she is controllable
in the thermodynamics of human interaction she generates low heat.

He burns hot needs richer fuel regards her failure of refinement as a flaw
the imperfection eats at him keeps him wary and distant
he dispassionately considers her from afar
he is cursed with an analytical temperament he objectifies reflexively
it’s purely defensive in nature
and he is the first casualty of the damage he inflicts.

He keeps his head down makes no changes prolongs the status quo
by inaction he ratchets up the tension
the isolation is infectious he thinks he should try harder
but his injuries neutralize him pain makes him reticent
ultimately it’s an inexcusable condition
she cannot understand.

The rain keeps things quiet
we huddle to keep dry
crouch under mushrooms
assume ownership of more elaborate structures.

Some venture forth in shiny machines
proceed through the storm from one place to another
arrive dry and prone to boasting
it took so little effort to get here.

The excess energy must be burned somehow
convenience undermines us
like a seductive fever
the comfort factor gauges our decline.

Less fervor more facts please

Every breath I take takes me closer to

        calm serenity

Not sufficiently blessed for bliss

        i’ll take what I can get

        do my part to try

As long as you’re trying you’re

        continuing to change

        thus fulfilling the first law of evolution:

        Evolve! (you have no choice)

Lacking the wherewithal to fulfill my aspirations

        i dream on

        so much dreaming fills up my head

        sloshing over into day to soften and diffuse reality

        too much inspiration does that

I know there is only so much I understand

        everything

        i think

        and believe

        and feel

        and do

        is contained

                within the boundaries

                that describe the only world I can know

Beyond these limits i am not even capable of being lost

inattentive interlocution scrambled syntax fragmented text
broken words chiseled upon the surface of sandstone
curious cuneiform digital remnants of a vanished civilization

there is no light without electricity cathode rays light our days
we press ephemeral images into air quickened with our minds
eternity is a kiss away Armageddon at the flip of a switch

we’ve seen it all before gazed laser-like into crystal balls
even had them implanted like artificial third eyes
technology gets the job done when wishing won’t make it so

we all had good intentions we every one wrote our own script
pretended life was reality TV coexisted with the coaxial cables
the relationship was symbiotic everyone got something out of it

               even those who only watched
               altogether it was a magnificent performance
               the heavens applauded

the closer i get to truth
the further from people i seem to be
my inspiration thrives in solitude
i process my ventures into social intercourse
lay my battered head back bind up my bruised body

don’t accuse me of being selfish
giving makes you vulnerable
a wide open target we all take shots
i’m not blaming anyone
but i am laying low my mind supine

crying eyes cannot see clearly
when you’re not in my field of vision it’s 20/20
if i can see through you you are not here
i will not be haunted by ghosts of my own summoning
pale patterns of a previous life proof i lived among you

The past is an unreliable friend and no predictor of future behavior
The past is a sweet liar tempting you to stay and play with memories
False friends become welcome company
Who doesn’t mind a little diversion another way to stay behind

When the past occupies the present today is only another yesterday
Time is an uphill battle and a slippery slope into tomorrow
Now feels like a vice pressing in squeezing the air out
No time left to breathe choked off feelings strangled desire

Maybe that’s the point
When you succeed in pushing everything else away
Stop fighting stop struggling free of your own effort
The quiet is inescapable

          I can’t make the climb
          I can’t extricate myself from the swamp
          My feet are stuck in yesterday

Time halts forward momentum
lifelong doubts and resentments catch up
in age we stew a submerged internal roiling
a silent storm beneath the surface of scoured skin.

The choppy waters of our tempestuous lives cannot cleanse these faults
small scars slowly cut into our visage every day we live
our faces map a shifting terrain the canvas an ever-changing portrait
we invent new art become experts at deciphering its meaning.

We become artist and critic subject and observer
lock away precise depictions of our gray moldering features
hang shining images high on marble walls in great halls
at long last become relics our existence sanctified by time.

We must have done something to garner such attention.

From Mayfair to Metropolis we weave
back and forth in a zigzag of straight lines
challenged by spatial relationships
the twisted geometry of random constructs
makes of my days a maze a concrete haze
hangs like granulated fog upon my shoulders
the sinister shawl we’ve all been weaving.

So I go with vertigo an inner ear reaction to inaction
the body wants to move forward embrace velocity
there are always obstacles mangled metal twisted nerves
I linger at the ones I cannot remove
the caution light was broken the signs splintered
I catch myself trying to reposition them
then remember I’m the one who tore them down.

I am disturbed by the serenity of others
It leaves me feeling useless and unworthy
Left behind by their pursuit of good deeds
Violently expelling foreign bodies from my body

I wanted them to stay and play have some fun
Share the absence of pain it’s a way not to suffer
Maybe not the brightest fire I could have lit
I rubbed two notions together produced only smoke

If it’s right not to suffer is it wrong to be happy?
It’s one natural result of life’s experiments
Cessation of suffering equals spontaneous joy
Evolution is a progression the threshold is relief

Beyond a certain point the readings are unreliable

the world would wake the dreamer
show him new sights under a bright sun
a landscape teeming with wonder and with misery

the dreamer morphs
a poet and a thief he dances and he cries equally
becomes an adept of a certain reality

a mechanism with the kill switch set for OM / OFF
either position likely to result in his demise
one scarier one more entertaining

however the end plays out
when the music stops and time is up
the dreamer’s story has been told

He’s adept at engineering small social victories for others
creating situations that make them feel good about themselves.

It’s endearing and can over time make him seem indispensable
an integral component of a smooth running machine.

Designed to generate and sustain a status quo scenario
it’s a pleasant enough play anyway so what’s the harm.

A quotidian enchantment is hardly a binding spell it’s not black magic
merely stealth tactic executed with genuine desire to please others.

He wants them to enjoy themselves so they can enjoy him
the genius of this approach is that it allows him to be himself.

Any cynicism is the result of lingering previous impressions
if we can only get this right eventually we can stop altogether.

Will I meet my father on the other side
and will I finally know him?

Will he embrace me at last … for once
and will I look into his eyes and understand?

Will he wipe away my tears
and take me to where my mother is resting?

Will she smile tenderly her eyes go soft
allowing me to forgive her?

I wonder what my place will be with these two people
what will they need from me what did they once expect?

What am I to give to those who gave me a life
even one for which I was not especially suited?

I suppose there would be an awkward silence at our reunion
and then perhaps we would laugh.

We were sometimes easy that way.