Poet13's Blog

The sky opens before me
solar radiation sears shut my eyes
brings clarity to my veiled vision
no longer blinkered by earth’s narrow spectrum
I see beyond the ornamental rainbow
into deepest darkness of space beyond
I see that in nothing there is everything.

To be alive to sound off
because you feel the rain and your tears are hot
spasms of laughter wring you out
leave you limp a most pleasant purge.

The body is a palimpsest
personal history written again and again upon your skin
old hurts ghostly script lambent just beneath the surface
like a blushing corpse in shallow water.

Some spirit reanimates us
perched in a tree watching the sunset eating a banana
the body wants to remember the mind to forget
the pain is proof of life.

I ruminate and reflect upon received wisdom
what is right and what is good.
The story I have told myself makes me sad
I think about how it was and how it wasn’t
and how I want it to be now.

I am no longer a prisoner of my memory
I’m unshackled from my past.
The leg irons have left me a little lame
but I am upright and I can walk
even with uncertain gait.

aging well won’t take no for an answer
blinded by the sight of whatever we thought we saw
wouldn’t take know for an answer either

a built-in resistance to accepting the truth
a way to obfuscate and stay confused
when the truth is not to your liking

we find ways to avoid understanding
we perpetuate our state
round peg square hole

you’ve been puzzled like this before
patterns on the board becoming clearer
you’ve already made these moves

Look around see what you’ve done … how did I get here
I made this day by day made my way
to hear the sound of my voice
saying the same things over and over.

Somewhere in all the familiarity there must be a surprise
a rose on the pillow a spider in the closet
the smell of garbage sprinkled with perfume
… other nods to propriety.

This here now we are its inhabitants … in habit ants are we
such insight casts a vista in somewhat different light
I see thousands on the shore knocking on the door
the sun rising a cry rising too … no more no more!

No more imaginary conversations
I abandon explanations even to myself.

The yellow sun burns bright
wasps congregate in the attic.

There are muddy footprints tracked through dust
I expectorate gobs of pollen.

Clear the passages to promote full breaths
I inhale deeply I do not speak.

Darkness encroaches settling into endless twilight
summoned by female phantoms haunting me to this day
old ghosts shrouded in vibrant disguises
they find ways to reach me through networks i’ve fashioned.

The media are the medium.

Crystal balls pressed into squares of pulsing light
they present themselves as glowing images
they inhabit the flesh and blood of those nearest
awaiting only my attention in order to live again.

What becomes of the care you invested in a person
who no longer cares for you
?
Your earnest hopes for their welfare your concern for their well being
what was the point of all that goodwill
?
The favors you did the times you worried on their behalf
was it all wasted how was it received where did it go
?
What choice did you have you have to assume each day lasts forever
and love is all in a day’s work right
?
Tomorrow I will get up wash my face
and see what the next one brings
.

I’m okay as long as I get what I want
if I don’t get my way I become agitated
don’t answer the phone won’t come to the door.

Keep me satisfied and I will keep smiling for you
I’m an easy-going guy just don’t cross me
I need for the lights to come on when I flip that switch.

I want to taste what you have prepared for us
home-baked bread or frozen dinner I’m good either way
just bring it to the table if I’ve set it for two.

The chimes are heavy and not easily stirred
memories come easier bleeding into dreams
a compelling and intoxicating brew
I cannot shake off these feelings.

Feeling left behind stuck in their gooey wake
until the chimes’ silky whisper comes low and pleasing
a gentle reminder of Here and Now
until the wandering wind wanes and there is quiet again.

in the throes of an agoraphobic fit
a housebound hissy
trapped alone with my anxiety
the thing that compels me to put up a false front
the engine that drives my edgy agitation

it diffuses and removes me
phases me in and out of the picture
holds me prisoner locked inside the charming façade
keeping the creature alive

manufacturing the monster requires massive jolts of energy
the bolts in my neck also keep my head from flying off
i screw them down tight as electricity explodes in fiery fractured flashes
the furious spurious frissons forced from living tissue
straining to replicate behavior of others

lurching elegantly i stumble with grace fall on my face
the pleasing form transformed
the transparent visage reflecting rather than emitting

i manipulate musculature
i smile look interested or sympathetic
i feign understanding
i pretend to be human as best i can
so they will say of me
it’s alive!

i yearn to learn to explain myself
to them
so I can say
i did not start this i cannot stop it

you see
although it is within reach
i cannot turn off the machine with these flailing arms

If I close my eyes and listen
I can hear every sound I’ve ever heard
I need never open my eyes again
this is the soundscape of my life
and I have heard it all before.

It is music to my soul
a siren call that keeps me listening
a lullaby like caring hands caressing my heart
slowly squeezing to quell the restless beat
and I surrender to the music.

I seek the beat gravitate toward the heat
small flowers fall from their decay trees rise.

The garbage rumbles by its custodians are heroes to me
they do the dirty work we would rather not.

We all cover ourselves with the earth’s blanket
topsoil to taproots burrowed in to survive.

We’re in this together
least we can do is share a little warmth in the darkness.

Light a lantern hang it over a bed of straw
this is a nest not a trap.

I belong to an extended tribe
close ties bind us within a broken circle
spontaneous combustion erupts at the center
fire flares defining our features
we strip away our garments to reveal ourselves

laughter and pain anger and love
and the flames burn hotter

we are dazzled by the brightness
still we can see one another for what we are
we are a tribe and our stories are legend
an epic etched in our flesh and traced with tears
with or without the happy ending

                                                     I come back to you

Shuffling through closets
I stumble before the mirror
get a good long look
think a few things.

First that you’re going to die alone
and then…well…it’s been a while
this is why I avoid mirrors nowadays.

Not necessarily negating narcissism
or claiming a miraculous cure for self-absorption
only the mirror image I shun is really me too
I’m avoiding myself once removed.

Failing to embrace my reflection
I dwell in silver solitude
like a hermitic Old Testament prophet
unable to converse with anyone but God.

People either respect me or avoid me completely or both
I am becoming by increments my worst imagined self
slowly fabricating a future that will entrap me
an ingeniously intricate and elaborate lair
a cage without bars.

An infectious beat an irresistible hook
the siren call of a soaring harmony
only way to go if the song takes you
some just keep you humming along.

I’ve forgotten most of the lyrics anyway
and the minor chords hold sway today
it’s plaintive not blue
if the song makes you sad it’s on you.

You wanted a soldier
I’m a poet and a dreamer
don’t look to me to volunteer
don’t expect me to cheer you on.

The only righteous cause is common cause
no justice in the grave if we occupy the same plot
don’t back me into a corner and demand proof of sincerity
the fact we are staring into one another’s eyes should give us pause.

The more you have the more you have to lose nothing there to begin with nothing left to lose nothing from nothing you can’t count on what you can’t control it’s a unilateral world it’s all beyond control hence hell is other people that’s what the French philosopher said I say existential heaven is a solitary state of mind a chemical illusion flesh flushed with endorphins I can speak to that although I died in a room full of people I was absolutely alone I became consciousness in motion moving (it seemed to me) up up and away toward something … else into a pregnant void a benign sentient darkness the entire spectrum of light and color subsumed no heat no cold but warmth something was there for sure next time I’ll find out what it was if they don’t snatch me back again.

We thank our lucky stars lest they cross us
part ways with a satisfied smile
this is how we’ve come to love.

Go through the motions with feeling
try to make it nice
no expectations no disappointments.

If we give this much and no more
we have done our best
no promises broken no one gets hurt.

We settle for this much of each other
make up with heat what we lack in warmth
it is an offering we can afford.

Wait what just happened how does it make you feel?
Put a name on it think it will make it better
make it mean something you can make sense of.

Help you to understand get a handle on it.
If you can just figure this out come up with answers
answers are facts and facts are simply what happens.

What happens is a constant collision of life and circumstance.
You can look for meaning in chance and coincidence
you can diagram structure plot a course from here to z.

You can even with some confidence develop a sound theory:
It’s all random all a mechanism set in motion by pre-existing forces
it’s a non-stop-never-ending ride we all jump on and fall off.

Any meaningful analysis is essentially a post-mortem.

Difficult women knowing smiles meaningful hugs
laughing as they pull you onto the dance floor
fill you with doubt make you laugh at yourself.

When did you become so awkward
your senses confounded by a warm touch
your grasp of reason loosened with slick emotion?

One way or another they soon come at you
wonder why you turn passive aggressive
it’s that or jail for a male you tell them.

You think maybe they want a show of strength
get tough fight them off pin them down
it’s the last resort of a loser it’s how they win.

Maybe they had no choice to begin with.

the creeping unknown invisible miasma of seeping anxiety
flowing in and around everything permeating us like dark fog
comes and goes like humidity nevereverpresent but always lurking

gathering storm clouds on your personal event horizon
an obscured sun casting old shadows inside a haze of gray on gray
within gray you do not recognize the day

                                                         stand tall place your head above the clouds
                                                       where lightning and silver fire purify vision
                                            until blinded by clarity you can again see the light

How did we come to our place in space how did we get here
what did we do to deserve a life sentence on planet earth
we woke up in a garden took what we needed.

But soon enough we mastered nature
plowed the soil planted seeds harvested crops
and were ruined by our bounty.

We stood our ground fought for what was ours
did what was necessary to prove our point
overlooked the suffering of our living chattel.

We put meat on the table.

The problem is I’d rather be with other people than be with another person
I dream of randy reptile men and mechanical pigeons that transform into cats
I don’t know what any of it means I am the dreamer and I am the subject of my dreams
I see nothing beyond myself the images are manufactured with pieces of broken mirrors

I assemble them within the central resource library of my mind
Check me out I’m an open book with blank pages and a crooked spine
My cover is blown my dry guts spill out in wads of shredded paper

I peel away sheaves of skin to reveal flayed muscle and frayed arteries
I am the visible man my purpose is etched upon my transparent features
I am the instrument of my will and of my ignorance there must be others like me
The painful embrace of exposed nerves this burning flesh should not keep us apart

i came late to the joy of sexting
saw spell check deny my sincerest sentiments
cyber connection is 21st century pair bonding

our devices are a universal translator
it’s a personal broadcast station
we address one another in safe speak

one-way signals prevent cross-contamination
one mouth two ears evens the odds
can you hear me now

the digital mating call of a generation
hear me hear me now gratify me immediately
let me know i’m getting through to you

acknowledge
                          acknowledge
                                                    acknowledge

I take good care of myself it’s a form of protection
mustering my courage before stepping into the family room
the mother daughter dynamic still looms large
the central hearth a blackened blast zone
Madonna and child madness embraced then fumbled.

It took no courage to let it slip through my hands
holding on hurt though much of the damage was done by then
badly injured I could still crawl away
these wounds are slow to heal I must take good care of myself
here the wounded are expected to walk.

I see the invisible becoming visible
I want answers to my rhetorical questions

Everybody’s going telepathic
It’s all coincidence and convergence

Synchronicity and spooky action
Say it like you say anything

Experience the invisible connection
Duality in a world of form

Repeat mistakes until perfected
The contraption that cast you out is your means back in

Let us ponder our denial
Neutralize things to make them okay

Step back admire your handiwork
You cannot deny the sunrise

The pest control guy tells me he sees the shadow of a dead man in my hallway
Asks the age of my house it’s very old I tell him built in 1910
I tell him I myself have seen no phantoms nor apparitions but I believe
As a scarred survivor of Mexican drug gangs perhaps he sees more than most

Perhaps he himself is a ghost for while the pests remain he has not returned

Or perhaps he simply inhaled too many fumes an occupational hazard no doubt
I asked him his sign said he was a Leo bestowed a radiant smile as proof
Not what I was expecting so much fire and light and a disposition to hold fast
I think a ghost is more apt to reveal himself to bearers of air and water

Terrestrial radiation animal magnetism quantum peculiarities
All tools of shaken minds at work
Issuing white papers and urgent analyses
          Filtered through perception and superstition

The truth is out there and so are we
We’re hot on the trail watch for our bulletins
Pay attention it’s important to record these occurrences
          Surely our findings will make a difference

We do this because it is helpful and because we must
The scientific method is our best hope through uncertainty
An empirical belief system will set you free
          To be an integral part of the grand experiment

The conclusions we draw will determine the outcome
These conditions can be duplicated
Once our theories are proven
          We will either move forward or embrace entropy

She was a spiky little package of wants and needs
She had proclivities she had talents

She had sharp edges she needed them to protect her soft center
She was a cosmic sea urchin

Yet even porcupines find their way into love’s embrace
All us animals make a kind of love

All these withholding American fathers
sending their sons off to battle craving glory and approval
trying to fill an unfillable hole expertly crafted with power tools and homilies
a demonstration of skill as an expression of love
this is a father’s way advice for hugs lessons before laughter.

Such is a man’s world we’d rather die than cry
we fight to reach an understanding
winner takes small comfort when each victory demands validation
in celebration we seek affirmation proof to ourselves
every time that song plays another man is calling the tune.

step up open your eyes
this is freedom
it’s all around you

second      to      second

every unit of the day
you have the power to slow it down
to slip between any two of them

watch the lines that define a calendar blur
see all the pieces of the clock crumble
time bending to your will

parsec      by      parsec

the persistence of memory is
just another way of looking at things
you can’t stop it

but you can control it
you can adjust the frequency
you can turn down the volume

decibel      by      decibel

If I am to stay sane it is all nothing to me
if I care I am vulnerable if I react I am a fool for love
for love recognizes no other kind of being.

Or I am a monster reviled and despised
I could die for you either way
don’t think I don’t remember the whispers and smiles.

The loveless touches don’t assume I forget or forgive
odds are none of us will ever know another’s true heart
or sincere hate.

It’s not about me it’s not about you
this is just how things are
it being what it is.

No matter what after all is said and done you’re on your own
you can be engulfed by ill will or smothered in love
either way you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s feelings.

my ties are frayed my isolation breeds resentment
the usual diversions hold no appeal
my secrets scattered about me pretty packages ripped open
tiny toppled temples built to honor the good things in life

i’ve seen what this looks like how it all winds down
how we slowly smother under the crushing implosion of desire
the weight of the world as we know it
i’m left with the benefit of experience to carry me through

We like alcohol we like tobacco
we like fire in our arms
we like a wide stance
feet firmly planted on home ground
a foundation a redoubt
from here we run the machines
keep a tight grip hold firm opinions
have bedrock faith
we are true believers
we always salute the flag
we are always fully cocked
we follow the plan make moves
we stay agile in war and in love
make sure we are dug in
sheltered from the bombs
home and hearth above all
the carbon dust and half-life are worth it.