Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

My Number

Posted: April 10, 2018 in Uncategorized

My number keeps coming back to itself
it is irreducible indivisible it is prime.

The mathematics of my life are absolute
it all adds up it makes logical sense
no theory of chaos can refute this.

God is the master physicist
celestial mechanics are his commandments.

I kneel at the altar of science
a stinking heap of blubbering biology.

These concepts these theories
relieved only by spasms of laughter
or sexual abandon
a body’s feeble attempt to trump truth.

I work with my birthdate
I examine the cosmological framework
the celestial system through which I find myself.

I am no scientist
but I have the innate apparatus to figure this out
I am a problem I can solve.

It Ain’t Easy Being Free

Posted: April 5, 2018 in Uncategorized

Living it up in the material world
the Buddha said to be here now
and so here we are
too distracted to hear the rest of the story.

Busy being what we were led to become
exhausted trying to catch up
trying to catch happiness
keeping up with keeping the faith.

We believe in one truth or another
it ain’t easy being free calls for something
we must summon some essence from ourselves
what rises equips us to detect patterns.

We see a maze spun of platinum webbing
attractive and confining
just comfortable enough to call home
here we can fashion a life as conditions warrant.

Side Trips

Posted: April 3, 2018 in Uncategorized

Running out of markers too many touchstones to tally
lotta miles between start and finish.

After so many side trips you lose your way
at some point you rip off the rearview mirror.

Try to keep your eyes on the road ahead
every few miles another reason to pull over.

Maybe the stops were where you were headed
everyplace you’d been the destination all along.

My Mistake

Posted: April 2, 2018 in Uncategorized

My mistake was to mistake lust for love to embrace in a clutch
turn my lips away from a kiss fearing the devouring mouth.

My mistake was to mistake an extended hand for a claw
the touch that heals can hurt soft whispers sound sinister to one hard of hearing.

My mistake was to think you cared because you came
my mistake was to think I had what you needed.

The needy are greedy I was a temporary pass to the satisfaction of another
my mistake was to think a smile was genuine.

The laughter had no meaning beyond a body convulsing haplessly
my mistake was to expect my expectations to be met – a cosmic joke.

The phantoms I embraced I conjured from my lovelorn mind
my mistake was to think my heart couldn’t be broken by a single tender touch.

The tears I shed fall upon parched earth where nothing grows
my mistake was failing to grasp the bouquet you offered had germinated there.

Vexed

Posted: March 31, 2018 in Uncategorized

It was a precision strike of karmic proportions
when his sperm hit her egg
drawn then and there to the difficult and the perplexing
born to be frustrated bred for disappointment.

Sooner or later everyone I know vexes me
I reciprocate and ruminate then wonder if I care
brutal honesty brings an end to brooding
no point exiling a hermit.

We Meant It

Posted: March 30, 2018 in Uncategorized

I have a pimple on my third eye so spare me the hippie patois
I saw you drifting on a rainbow river flailing to stay afloat
desperation behind the bright laughter
through crimson halls beyond toppled walls we gave voice to free love
and we meant what we sang we felt earnest and true.

To the best of our understanding we were rebels with no cause for alarm
time was on our side or so we heard
the clocks we tossed into desert sands kept on ticking we took a licking
tie-dyed in shades of gray we lived on in reflection
and when we laughed we meant it as our rueful smiles now attest.

Turned My Back

Posted: March 29, 2018 in Uncategorized

What have I done to love that love should treat me so
how have I aggrieved tender mercy that I am denied
what sorrow did I inflict that I am so afflicted?

I turned my back on love now love denies me
my failings and excuses wither under a pale sun.

’Twas fear finally fell me made me into this
a casualty a victim at last of toxic intimacy.

Even victims must account for themselves
yet the guilty are victims too
we are all victims of love withheld from us and by us.

Kissing Camus Goodbye

Posted: March 27, 2018 in Uncategorized

I am a stranger here kissing Camus goodbye
everything is an existential threat even a hug
unless you’re hugging a hog then it’s a belly laugh.

A feel-good purge pure without being Puritan
we are naturalists of course we strip off our clothing
not in protest but in pride.

I become as nobody here naked before you
you can see I bear no arms
only let my visible scars speak for me.

Stronger Being Better

Posted: March 25, 2018 in Uncategorized

Greedy eyes hungry mouth avid ears
focused on my fears
life is a carnivore
even air conditioned and well insured.

Random occasions present themselves
I rise occasionally to sabotage myself
send off subsonic signals
too much information given up too freely.

I’m no good to anyone in this unfinished form
lack of desire cures the needy
I am stronger without satisfaction
stronger being better for everyone.

Any Pledge Undone

Posted: March 24, 2018 in Uncategorized

In the throes of a testosterone rush
tie me down pheromones in the air
attention ~ flattery ~ worship.

Tapping into that mammal thing
dominance ~ submission
primal need instinctive conjunctions.

A pleasing pact in place of a promise
we were built to break our bonds
any pledge undone by passion and blood.

The Second Pouring

Posted: March 22, 2018 in Uncategorized

The second pouring wind carries jazz on a breeze
all dogma is empirical knowledge is mutable
dappled hillsides green tea insurrection on the wind
ocean of air everywhere.

I embrace the languor my intentions are good
I cannot shine through though I make a sound
I try to laugh show my willingness to bring peace promote prosperity
I find my voice in harmony occasionally I create a genuine moment.

I bring the inertia I bring us into the 12th century
twilight in the meadow the great silence
I simply agree and give up nothing
nothing is lost nothing to fear.

My alkaline and my acid are perfectly balanced
yet I defy expectations I’m simply trying to teach by example
my actions are a parable
the good that you do oft goes unnoticed.

Loss of Comfort

Posted: March 21, 2018 in Uncategorized

Modern life vexes repeats cycles of frustration
ten times ten billion bytes meant to inflict madness.
The rabid among us completely gave in
when denied the small things
we have been taught we cannot live without.
Such dependency fosters desperation and rage
the system is the ultimate withholding father.

We seek His approval in compliance with the appliance
follow His directions in twelve major languages.
Or we rebel join the tribe of Bad Sons
turn out the lights and light a fire.
We cannot see in the dark but we know what’s there.
The sun brings daylight to restore our courage
and brace us for the loss of comfort.

Long Shadow

Posted: March 19, 2018 in Uncategorized

I regret my lifelong reticence
how many times I hesitated.

In the bright light of midday
all things seemed possible.

In these twilight moments
doubt emerges.

A stela a totem
casting its long shadow.

The Pagan Pledge

Posted: March 18, 2018 in Uncategorized

Do not begrudge me a little laughter
I wanted things to be easy
what can you do dreams come.

The problem with rituals is the blood and pain
why can’t we simply celebrate the pleasure
repudiate the rheumatoid injunctions
no aging fists pummeling us into submission.

            Priests demand sacrifice rebels resist
            the pagan pledge is a greater honor.

We are a band of brothers bound by simple necessity
where our interests intersect they then entwine
mutually assured cooperation in pursuit of self-satisfaction
we keep it simple it makes things easier.

Waken

Posted: March 17, 2018 in Uncategorized

When reality presents itself expectations shatter
new land masses appear on the horizon
the contours of life assume new patterns.

The quotidian becomes quixotic
previous arrangements disassemble
things come undone.

Now what rears its ugly head a question a challenge
a beguiling pathway into the unknown
experience shows us the mundane at the heart of mystery.

Yet questions roil and rise from ether entwining smoky tendrils
tickling the mind in slumber obscuring the edge of awareness
the thin gray line between sleep and eyes wide shut.

To waken twist the band tighter around your wrist
until split skin bleeds red rivulets across the watch face
an alarming sign of the correct time.

A Single Breath

Posted: March 16, 2018 in Uncategorized

All I ever envisioned was a fantasy of happiness
it can never come true even when it does
something’s never quite right in the event
even in the one rare moment
an unfolding within a single breath.

You flinch you are ejected you turn away
as if from a hard light too bright
remove yourself from the heart of happiness
because you sense it harbors disappointment.

You can feel it waiting in the wings to make an entrance
an uninvited guest eager to spoil the party
but you always leave that door open
it’s your way out to the big empty
where nothing is evident and everything is still possible.

Every Time I Don’t

Posted: March 15, 2018 in Uncategorized

Every time I don’t is one more time I didn’t

            no more soaking in sentiment
            no more maudlin journeys up a lazy river
            no more regret that I killed our love
            no more wallowing in my crimes
            taking refuge in my ignorance

those dark places along the shore are no more
and if it matters to anyone I was always afraid.

Sweet Secrets

Posted: March 14, 2018 in Uncategorized

The laughter of lovers keeping sweet secrets
echoes in the air like bird song on the wind.

We made music with wine on honeyed days
we laughed in Italian made love in French.

Now I shuffle through long lost love letters
consigning memory to ashes.

I cannot revisit those sunlit orchards
these documents are only talismans.

They are not sacred records but magical tinder
if I am cold their flame shall warm me.

A Quip Is Not a Whip

Posted: March 13, 2018 in Uncategorized

They personalize every comment you make
every clever observation every Wilde quip
a quip is not a whip Himself might have observed
every remark not meant to leave one
words can be harmful yes the truth can injure sure.

A writer plays with fire a poet burns down the house
but I have declared myself show me what harm I’ve done
in saying what I’ve said I set us both free
we climbed through the same barbwire fence to get here
you’re only scratched I drew hardly any blood at all.

Avatar from the Abyss

Posted: March 10, 2018 in Uncategorized

There is no logic within dreams physics is skewed proportion distorted
the senses run amok the chaos is beautiful
the only clarity in a dream is the clarity of emotion
in a realm where feelings rule such beauty can be terrifying.

I wake crying tears of joyful regret crying out in panic
the terror the monsters the love and gladness and other wishes granted
the exhilaration of fear realized knowing all of it is true
how the worst thing you can think of does not seem to destroy you.

Here your fear takes shape and is confronted – a marvelous offering
how vague menace becomes a specific thing
only then can it be faced only then defeated
such unconscious insight is a gift of power.

A dream is a vision projected in mind light prisoners of sleep cannot deny
at dawn truth goes easily unseen slips silently behind the coming sun
in daylight a vision is invisible like jellyfish floating in shallow tidal pools
a luminous avatar from the abyss aglow in the dim depths of the unconscious.

Blue Moon Friday

Posted: March 9, 2018 in Uncategorized

Blue moon déjà vu a Friday less fraught
the month is quartered seasons ordered
the days drone on.

I seem to recall more like this one
remember the ones with a difference too
no point pining for lost good times.

We’re all shadows of our former selves
or else new versions of what we always were
in time we’ve perfected some sense of ourselves.

A slower metabolism a conservative mindset
new notions grown old
still deemed worthy of our allegiance.

It all seemed like a good idea
in a once upon a time time
now I’m not so sure.

The Way I Think

Posted: March 8, 2018 in Uncategorized

Everything I say and do the way that I think
it’s all false and gossamer thin.

It’s like an elaborate maze made of paper shreds
I cannot support this front I fear the silence.

To others I am only noise
I am a construct of my mind.

An intricate house of cards designed by Escher
collapse is inevitable if not imminent.

What is left when the rest is stripped away
when I am no longer me will I then truly be?

house of walls

Posted: March 6, 2018 in Uncategorized

something there is about consciousness confined within spatial limitations
physical senses in relationship to four-dimensional structure
how perspective influences perception how shapes shift perceived reality

house of walls and fractured light when you block out the sunlight shadows appear
shelters you build create their own darkness the geometry changes as light bends

the house is a maze of doors opening into other rooms
some larger some smaller some higher or more cramped as perception has it

these spaces are places of muffled sound dampened radiance ambient soul
someone has come this way before someone has lived in these rooms
if they are watching now take comfort

Apocalypse Averted

Posted: March 5, 2018 in Uncategorized

I spend a lot of my time beating back anxiety
fending off dark intruders
ANGER     FEAR     ANXIETY    DEPRESSION.

I battle these four horsemen of my oft-deferred apocalypse
gain high ground see things are not so dire after all
I see a vast field dotted with few adversaries.

Still I am outnumbered
this war continues with endless skirmishes
these enemies cannot be slain but they can be vanquished.

I Fell Out of the Sky

Posted: March 3, 2018 in Uncategorized

I fell out of the sky fell from a womb of clouds onto a bed of nails
fell through the cracks in love into the arms of strangers
fell from my own good graces well short of my ideals
someone dropped me someone caught me stood me upright
removed their hands from my shoulders to see if I could stand on my own
mostly I did.

Take it as it comes and give as good as you get
it’s a tactic not a strategy useful for brief skirmishes in the trenches
even hobbled a fallen angel must thence become a warrior
or else arrive with well laid plans hidden deep within a tangled heart
you are lost only until you find another way
mostly I do.

How Could I

Posted: March 2, 2018 in Uncategorized

All this time he saw himself as prudent and cautious
he knew his timidity as few others could
how had he taken these risks?

He scanned his scars assayed his injuries
felt dull ache along fault lines of bones long broken
knew too the pain only memory can bring.

               All self-inflicted I was not prudent I was not cautious
               I ran through fire snatching at gold rings where I could
               hungry to taste too willing to satisfy my eager appetites.

The best little boy in the world grew to manhood
the man knew only the boy as his father
the man was not who he thought he’d become
could not understand his own recklessness.

               Mind gelled and jailed in sentiment
               sweet sap oozing like amoebic amber fossilizing perception
               these actions these mistakes speak for themselves
               they were something I thought I could never do.

               At least I wrote myself an interesting story.

Things Without Remedy

Posted: February 28, 2018 in Uncategorized

Things without remedy should be without regard
this from a big thinker in a more thoughtful time.
Now it’s as simple as Newtonian mechanics.

Bodies in motion unintended consequences
trajectories and tragedies large and small.
We try to reason our way through.

We fail we flail abetted by the wisdom of our elders
who can imagine the consequences of happiness?
This longing for understanding cannot end well.

Twelfth Year

Posted: February 26, 2018 in Uncategorized

In the twelfth year of relative solitude my 105,120th hour
spent largely in the company of no one but myself…

…I find myself growing more and more eccentric
prickly un-self-expressive less patient…

…when others express themselves aptly or ineptly
less desirous of their company either way.

My unpracticed mouth mangles words used too infrequently
…my eyes water too easily at the slightest expression of love or friendship…

…my heart aches too quickly at slights and criticisms and thoughtlessness…
I am too quick to anger and too tired to craft adequate apologies.

Silent Combat

Posted: February 25, 2018 in Uncategorized

Fight the reflex stifle the impulse
phantoms of pleasure within a mirage of contentment
avoidance is no escape.

The portrait of my life was painted on a mirror
there’s a bit of Dorian Gray in everyone
these unexpressed thoughts will be the death of us.

That said they have their value
for some the only way is silent combat.

I Let Go

Posted: February 24, 2018 in Uncategorized

The good the bad the mistakes and good works the things I dropped
I let them go.

Those I let slip the ones I shunned and the ones I lusted after
tearing open my chest offering up my heart as a token
I let that go.

She who gave me life then tried to cripple me
a desperate need for love making her unlovable
I let her go.

He who withheld his embrace and talked to me but little
who could not understand the alien child of his making
I let him go.

The ones I wanted who did not want me
the ones who needed me most and whom I neglected
I let them go.

The reasons I fashioned to excuse myself
the stratagems I directed to recuse myself
the mechanisms I used to ensnare myself
I let them go.

I cannot hold these things within myself any longer
I let it all go and I am free.

 

That’s How I Believed

Posted: February 22, 2018 in Uncategorized

Everyone makes me sad but you
every time I’m feeling glad it’s you
so why did you leave me what did I do
how did I let you color me blue?

The times that you touched me and made me laugh
the times that you got me and made me smile
that’s how I believed I could fall in love.

You left me with this when you left me
a gift I could not refuse
you left me with a crooked smile and half a heart
that’s how I believed I could fall.

Conversations with Myself

Posted: February 20, 2018 in Uncategorized

In conversations with myself
I can see things so clearly in my head
then try to look you in the eye.

I attempt to speak plainly
the words a jumble
emotion entangles thought trips me up.

I cannot explain myself
I cannot clarify the truth for you
I could speak my mind but it’s a challenge.

I do not want a duel
I do not want a fight
still I seem to make you angry.

Sitting alone
on the front porch
it is all so clear to me.

Trying Not To Remember

Posted: February 18, 2018 in Uncategorized

Lost in thought
letting brain have its way with me
heart let’s its guard down mind genuflects

an army of facts and figures
and reasons and examples
and people and spaces
and certain times now and then
and explanations and ideas
and memories of good times and sad

overrunning consciousness…

I am a blank
time evaporates upon waking from this trance
I breathe deeply calm myself try not to remember.

Somehow Somewhat the Better

Posted: February 17, 2018 in Uncategorized

I have a vivid imagination I can see myself feeling in spectacular ways
envision lurid scenarios of angst and melodrama
somehow I never see myself as a hero
overcoming odds smashing obstacles saving the vulnerable
I identify as the villain of the piece.

But I could never bring myself to do real harm
I’m a failure as a menace which makes me a fool
the hapless juggler balanced between crime and heroics
I juggle good and evil laughing and crying without cease
if I take a breath and clear my head I might speak truth to power.

I will be showered with neither gratitude nor praise
a fool who fails to amuse has no place at court
retired consigned banished to my private chambers
I am left to compose philosophical treatises on the comedy of life
still laughing still crying still breathing and somehow somewhat better for it.

Personal History

Posted: February 15, 2018 in Uncategorized

We’re no longer friends with benefits
we are friends with history
and though the things they said about you were true
for me that wasn’t you.

The lessons I learned were not what you intended
who we are comes through pushes words aside
leaves us with what is actual not satisfactual.

I held you in my arms now I hold memories
the bitter and the sweet they both taste of you
wherever we go we bring the past with us
it was crowded in that bistro at our table for two.