Poet13's Blog

I stumbled into a secret room inside my head
I did not know myself there

I had given myself permission to forget
It was a license to enjoy

I absolved myself of responsibility
Gave myself over to atavistic impulses

I became a pagan intent on doing no harm
Jubilant and licentious and free from sanity

Moses hurled burning tablets of stone down upon my garlanded head
Smote me with the Lord’s own commandments

I have transgressed these laws yet I am innocent
Moses lost something in the translation from light to brimstone

I bypassed stone cold interpretations
Deciphered the source codex at the nuclear core of my being

At the hot beating center of the breathing universe
I found no judgment

Only the pure experience of pure sensation
No need to question if this is wrong

It’s wrong only if I choose to remain here
No harm in visiting now and then

She’s never without her devices she’s always in touch
her busy fingers working things out 21st century knitting
weaving a web that’s easy to elude
if you don’t plug in you don’t get caught
such wary prey risks calling forth fierce predators.

Your chances are better face to face
still no guarantee you won’t walk home wounded
with some people it’s always a scrape
the abrasions provide them with feelings
a stunted sense of touch cannot.

She was blunt to the point of inelegance
he was too highly strung for high society
all those darts and potshots
always a strain to come away unscathed.

High wire act and a far way to fall on your face
such a disgrace please don’t shame me
I just wanted to have a good time
does that make me a fraud?

I’ll admit to cowardice but my intentions were good
if anything I was too earnest
I had a picture in my mind of how it’s supposed to be
but the artist does not control the subject.

The creation you evoke can go terribly wrong
the meaning you intend falls on deaf ears
the understanding you assumed has made you an ass
blunted bludgeoned and far from bedazzled.

agitation comes as intense vibrations
general excitation and resulting dis-ease

hard to look on the bright side from shadows
still dawning awareness casts glaring light

stark relief no relief at all the truth is relentless that way
the too brilliant blinding clarity some of us have to feel the burn

for a lesson learned the hard way
not facing up to pain prolongs suffering

the fire burns hot sears succinctly cauterizes cleanly
painfully purified peace at last

       until the next time I injure myself
       stub my toe hit my head break my back slice open my guts

nothing warms the heart like a good idea

when i forget to try to make you feel good

hope think brilliance makes amends

the clever observations i offer up

amusing but chilly and far from the truth

          just look me in the eye and say what you mean

God has a lot to answer for though I see his point
I empathize am overcome become indifferent
Does that make me Lucifer I see his point too
Who am I to question let alone judge

Prideful fallen we are all Lucifer’s descendants
We dwell willingly in a house of his making
Together we turned paradise into a prison
We are all prisoners and we are all warders

We did not build this place but we must inhabit it
The freedom we seek is the freedom we deny ourselves
We remember nothing of our personal history before birth
And death is the end of the story we’ve told ourselves

Sexy Sunday laid out in window pane sun
languor morphing into lust
and you’re lost in another sexy Sunday.

The lord’s day gone from mild to wild
on our knees without a prayer
the shame the blame have no place here.

We have dedicated ourselves to the truth that sustains us
our creed just another means to broken promises
we vow to do no harm.

Ask humbly not to be crucified
freed from religion we take our chances
make the day a sacrament of our yearning.

The strength we exert to hold things together
the courage we bring to resolve these conflicts

it is because it is.

We take heart it’s how we were designed to react
complete surrender the only way to bliss

no comfort taken without kindness.

We recognize this place though we may never have been here before
this is what we are

it’s going to change it’s going to be okay.

at the end of my personal history
the future is foretold by the past
nothing new under my sun
no radical departures loom
no sudden exits appear
all hemispheres have been mapped
the longitudes and latitudes clearly delineated

the highs and the lows have been charted
let the record show i was here and there
i passed through places far and near
the journey took time and i took my share
what remains remains to be seen
though clouded with cataracts my eyes are open
my vision dimmed only by what i have seen before

Some seek to show you the light
I need to remind you of the darkness
Bask under the sun all day if you like
It will set and night will come
Neither as malevolence nor magic
It comes because the massive bodies we inhabit
Rearrange themselves according to nature
Indifferent to the shadows they cast

Our eyes have adjusted to these conditions
Created without thought or purpose
The unintended consequences are tragic and beneficial
It all depends on your timing and precise location
If you are here you are vulnerable
If you are there you are affected
We are immersed and therefore involved
We are powerless to resist the emergence of giants

The best thing I’ve done for you is to stop caring
it seems it’s what you wanted
I got it from every quarter section by section
I sectioned myself off
it made a beautiful pattern of random symmetry
based upon the opposite of give and take.

Withhold and seek I deny you nothing.

The gifts I willingly offered up were too much of me
I understand the return policy I really do
everything unwrapped nothing unraveled
there’s plenty more in store
I can take it back or leave it with you
plus no resentment too.

Between the aches in my body and the dreams in my head
exhaustion.

Day by day in every little way this life is killing me
this is not ennui that would be on me
this is the tyranny of time.

Parts of me are breaking down the glue disintegrating
I am slowly coming apart at the seams.

The mind while aware grapples with apprehension
I cannot comprehend an end yet I see no way through
my attention wanders my focus is diffuse I am of little use.

I choke up my best efforts collapse in on top of me
I cannot breathe cannot think with a brain starved for oxygen.

I go about my business bring nothing to the table just try to get by
I keep smiling incite laughter as a diversion
it’s better than starting fires nothing is consumed but me.

It is good to bring about an end to some things
unclench cease clinging let go
release is good practice.

All things must pass we were told
simplicity the only way to convey what is self-evident
sermons un-elevated by any other name.

The prophets having come down from their mounts
to play us a tune instead
something we could all dance to.

The rhythm cleared our bodies
the sweat cleansed our minds
now we could listen to the stories without fidgeting.

We wait patiently for the promised ending.

Too much affection is corrupting
Toxic doting mothers turning children into lapdogs
History repeating itself it’s what the family values

It takes a village to accept blame
We pass the communal cup of guilt
We share its contents each according to his need

Form voluntary groups to hunt the lone wolf
Stalking each of us in our solitude
Crushing the life from our pets in slathering jaws

Our children are not safe without us
We become warders for their protection
Nature spites our efforts for children become wolves

Caged in pink and blue padded cells
Better they lie with lambs learn to take their place in the flock
There is safety in numbers we assign them by lot

the restless mind probes
searching for the next shiny thing
a reason festooned in finery
an idol posing as motivation
hunger is a trap we all live life cold turkey
the symptoms of withdrawal are a circus of pleasure and pain

duty and deception nobility and folly
senses muted the sighted stumble
nothing makes sense without touch and taste
yet there’s common sense in abstinence
an exit to greater awareness
          trust what you know intuitively

I’m in a winter frame of mind on a summer day
time of the season between phases of the moon
the sun is weaker now solar rays making gray days

and memory casts long shadows over the landscape
revealing trails not taken and pathways too well traveled
melodies fading echoes of other lives we never lived

somewhere along these rutted roads we wandered away
into other lands where the lost are found
and the summer places we left behind are silent

I limit my vision in order not to see beyond the firelight
I do not fear the shadows so much as I resent them
they loom a perceptible threat a silent rebuke
border of darkness a delineation a reminder of the existence of pain
where control gives over to the vitalization of chaos and destruction.

I accept but I do not accommodate
the resulting discomfort is my own
a bed of dull nails I lie upon
resistance is futile acceptance is brutal
a sudden harm that soon passes.

I am rested yet I am restless in the gray dawn of the coming light.

forgotten crimes invisible sins the spirits of the dead have moved on
they do not hear our cries nor can they dry our tears or calm our fears

left behind the living wander through a maze of confusion
the dead have turned their backs on this world

done their time done with us they are well out only their shadows remain
a legacy of mauve memories to haunt our dreams cold comfort indeed

no reason for regret no place else to be we’ve made the best of things
why question life why look back look around you the world is the answer

If I have to spell it out it’s not worth saying

If you can’t read between the lines you are emotionally illiterate

Don’t ask me to explain it diagram it or say it another way

I’ll leave the analysis to you though you’re better off without it

Just step back take a breath settle yourself into the moment

Can you hear me now? I can feel my meaning getting through

If we leaven this exchange with silence things will be clearer

Time is the measure
by which mankind marks our passing.

Love is the means
through which humanity maintains itself.

Energy is the mechanism
with which the species asserts itself.

All the rest is incident and byproduct
circumstantial evidence of intelligent life
outsmarting itself.

e.g. Communication:
Greetings from Hell – Wish you were here.

e.g. Expression:
I hate you
I love you
I want you to be me

e.g. Art:
Nude Descending Ego
Still Life with Gun
A theater of function
a life in three acts –
feed me stroke me know me

e.g. Religion:
cross carrying members
The Church of Divine Neglect

e.g. Science:
E = Me3
A scientific method to detect the soul

God explains:
I am only myself knowing myself.

So many ways to be.
So much time.

Wordsworth lamented what man has made of man
I get it we’ve done it to ourselves
blame a vast and unsympathetic universe
blame a benign yet indifferent god
that this image of evil the author of our suffering
gazes back at us wide-eyed and uncomprehending
from the mirror.

Look I know I’m talking to myself here
I get that but you have to process this stuff
I mean it just keeps coming at you
you can’t just lie there … so listen:

We put our minds to it
caressed golden calfs
fabricated variations
now we cannot live without the constant hum
background music to the days of our lives
the stories keep getting better and better
it’s a comfort we’ve heard them all before.

My resolution is to shed regret
lose a few pounds of memory along the way
the more I know the less I will have to carry and care for
the emptiness I leave behind as reproof of my passage.

If I do not recognize myself upon the road
I may be mistaken for the Buddha.

A momentary illusion a hopeful sign if only for an instant
a year’s worth all of them different all of them the same
I have scattered them like seeds along the way
what flourishes in my wake is a garden in a desert.

The thought gives birth to reality

The flesh contains the event

Belief begets gods and the monsters they create

The myth of creation absolves us of our collective guilt

We are the authors of our history and our fate

We are what we create and what we generate

Utterly alone and completely dependent

We take no shame in sacrifice

We are the only gods in which we believe

Our divinity, self taught, absolves us of nothing

Everything is relative to our desire

You can’t retreat behind hurt feelings
trampling on everyone else’s.

His heightened awareness of other people’s faults
an exquisitely crafted loneliness.

Hypervigilance byproduct: I’ll find your faults
before you can lament your failure to understand yourself.

I can’t take on another charity case
the whole world is needy.

I’m just one man isolated behind walls of stone
keeps the heart cool even when you’re on fire.

I’m used to the chill
I burn memories to keep warm.

Deflection was his default mode he was good at it
few saw it coming most never knew what hit them.

He could never explain it was a purely defensive gambit
one of many he’d perfected to avoid pain.

He understood he was different saw the effect it had on others
took in how they looked at him just before he’d look away.

He got how this made them uneasy then angry
he could never manage to demonstrate benign intent.

Their contempt convinced him of his own inadequacy
their hostility overwhelmed his attempts at bravery.

But he knew he had courage and he had heart
they could not know he’d walked through fire for them.

all i see before me is my past a perfect tense future
the gains i made the grains i stored little treasures of necessity
no value in what is counted

this and other easy lessons come back to haunt me
mocking phantoms of long dead ideals
the true horror of corrupted innocence

the dirt under my feet a reminder a guide
wherever i stand upright i can extend my arms
wield a weapon or offer an open hand

there will be pain there will be laughter whichever way you turn
we’ve all been here before this is not my journey alone
not until i get to where i am going

never far from where i started

Here’s the thing we are all a little bit crazy
the world sees to that one way or another
to some degree we will suffer for it
but we try not to succumb.

For this show of strength
the universe shows us who’s boss
and we are made more crazy
it’s nothing to be ashamed of nothing to hide.

          crazy is as human as apple pie
          we get along for the most part
          every hug is an accommodation

And love is another form of gratitude
another way we get by
better than raving
less effective than enlightenment.

I make a conscious and concerted effort to persuade myself
not to be anxious
not to fret.

The memory of phones ringing late at night
the crazy that comes at you after dark
friend and foe alike eager to disturb the peace.

Long ragged scars extend down through the years
old memories like fresh wounds
bitterness taints clarity.

I lack the energy to care
my vitality worn away by worry
exhaustion is its own kind of peace.

Acceptance and avoidance are a reasonable response
when the rooms are empty
and the house is quiet.

She isolates herself from voices
protects herself from the intrusive palpability of human sound
it’s a rough and unwelcome hand stroking her mind
a rude caress a crude stimulus demanding response
a question that requires an answer
her inner ear the tiny bones the ligaments and hairs react in a chorus of submission.

You can’t talk to me that way you can’t talk to me any way your speech is a violation
your voice is a seducer its vibrations betray your motives
you think it a song it’s a cry for attention it’s a demand my body is helpless to refuse
certain parts rush to the fore it’s their job it’s their purpose they are helpless
but I am more than the sum of my parts I resist your seductive call
I refute the possibility of hearing.

Avoidance of understanding is the result
but it is not her intention her methods are purely defensive
her body is electric she can alternate the current
she flicks switches on a control panel inside her head
can even disconnect completely from the source
some call it civil treason she cannot understand their reasoning she won’t hear it.

We are both too close to her but in different ways.
We each understand certain facets better than others.
Pooling our insights gives us both a more complete picture.

I’ve got to be honest she was weakened.
She was less of herself and that made the day better for me.
I spent less of my energy contending and resisting.
I relaxed enough to lower my defenses.

This is how it is now things may never be better.
The time comes when change is ever in the wind.
Things may change for good.

I make no demands reflexively resist entreaty.
It is unbecoming to me what I am becoming.
I’m no good to anybody if I’m not true to myself.
Being the bigger person making less of yourself.

Come what may here I am self-ish by default.

Keep it simple keep it pain-free
Don’t break my bones or bust my balls
Take a breath and realize our situation

You kill me with a soft touch
You don’t mean it it’s just the way we are
Exercising control leaves us exhausted

It’s a struggle to survive like this
So we try to kiss the hurt away
Tell each other we’re a work in progress

We’re doing the best we can, brother
Look how far we’ve come from Original Sin
Though some we commit again and again

It’s the simplest thing we find most difficult
We can’t seem to relax the muscles to open our hand
We can’t seem to unclench our fists

Good bad or indifferent life is a gift
so there’s no need to fear death.
It is late in the day
and it is time to come to terms.

I don’t look good I don’t feel good
I have not been taking care of myself
I can’t sleep I need rest

There are circles under my eyes
and there are clouds in the sky.
A rain may come to wash me clean
but I shiver when wet.

The mind takes a backseat to the body
The body won’t stop doing what the body wants
Until the body falls asleep at the wheel

If my will takes the wheel in time
I may be saved.
Or I may crash and burn
somewhere near the end of this rugged road.

We like it how we like it we prefer not to think it through

We get on our knees we bend over straddle clutch mount and lie prone

We intimidate and apply force oh so adroitly seeking only surrender

We take charge and we submit pushing each other to the edge

We need the danger we need the chaos a chance to suffer harm

We rely on the safety of unspoken agreements and secret pacts

A contract freely entered into with no fine print and no loopholes

This is the natural order of things and we are true to our nature

We peel back the protective layers to reveal our naked needs

Our vulnerability is proof of our willingness to live and to love

It’s delusional this life the elaborate systems we erect to confuse ourselves
so much form without clear function.

We animate notions and embellish them with sentimental endearments
if we made it it must matter surely it is worthy of attention.

Stooped over tending my own garden missing the birth of the sun
a daily occurrence beyond my control and therefore completely trustable.

Man-made beauty is a thing of desperation images of something we have lost
we seek natural light to clarify our vision.

I keep my distance a subtle form of discouragement
I want to be liked but not needed.

I’m an emotional coward secure in my solitude
wary beyond my borders.

I’ve been in the trenches I’ve earned my scars
swapped valor for vigilance.

Open wounds closed heart no room for chance
all possibilities are fraught.

Such reluctance invites hostility
there are those who would drag me into the light.

They see in the shadows sinister affect
these dark contours only conceal my tears.